#he’s literally proven to be very mentally ill.

[mvrdermeharder]

Now that the official translations are out I wanna ramble a bit abt the new chapter

First of all, I actually think that Isagi’s writing is very interesting here. He’s always been someone who could connect with others easily, and imo he’s been the most empathetic person in bllk (which makes sense regarding his upbringing ofc). But also, he’s used this empathy to his own benefit, as it came naturally to him to understand others and to feel for them. What obviously comes to mind is this scene with Bachira from the second selection

So it’s interesting how his new awakening is all about throwing his emotions and empathy away. And the more I think about it, the more I am on board with it. Kinda.

Because reading the new ch, I felt so off seeing how emotionless Isagi is all of a sudden. Especially these panels, his eyes look soulless and he looks so utterly empty inside that it’s actually off putting

And the puzzle-eye panel creeps me out even more: I know this is manga, but even then, the facial symmetry is uncanny, the perfect roundness of his irises looks unnatural, his face is drawn too perfectly. It literally resembles a soulless robot with a human face, and it actually makes me uncomfortable to look at him.

And throughout the whole chapter he either has an impassive expression on, or we see his back only… which is so weird, since he’s been quite expressive up to this point. Getting no emotions from him feels especially strange.

And to be honest, I kinda like this development. Because it’s interesting.

But also… if i think about it, subconsciously pushing aside his empathy for the sake of victory has always been there inside of him… and this mentality too, had been proven to be valuable.

This scene with Kira is where we first see his ego awaken, so maybe this is the truest, most original form of it…? Just like what Noa said in this chapter “we may have opened the door to Isagi’s ego”. And it might be about wanting to rewrite fate? Destroying stronger opponents and the expectations ppl have for them, as seen with Rin’s blocked goal in 284. (Or even Bachira’s development in the second selection is sort of Isagi destroying the script… huh. Even tho that’s based on empathy… hmmmmmm looks like there are multiple ways to destroy fate)

But back to the current development, I wonder if this is what Kaneshiro hinted at when saying that he hopes we’ll still like Isagi. Him changing to this unemotional, robotic player… It would be interesting to see how this could backfire w him hurting others because of his discarded empathy. (Ooo Kaneshiro had also said that Bachira’ll be important in the story again👀)

But what’s interesting, is that I actually think that Isagi’s recent proposition to abandon all feelings and ego is actually… good for Kaiser? Like, I wouldn’t say that it’s completely healthy, but it’s definitely healthy-er than the shit he has going on rn?

I talked about how Kaiser pushing himself into his childhood mentality isn’t the answer to achieve his goals, him perceiving himself as an “unlovable sub-human who yearns for love but can never gain it” is not the right ego and it can lead to catastrophe…

So Isagi telling him to “abandon our egos”?? That’s perfect, actually???? Isagi reassuring Kaiser that they will both put aside their dislike for each other for a while? For the very first time someone is not actively looking at Kaiser with some type of malice, or not just using him for their own gain, but putting him on equal ground instead? Even if it’s to use each other, it’s not… ill-natured. For the first time Kaiser is not a piece of shit nor a rotten manipulator full of malice.

Bc let’s not forget: Ness has never been on equal ground. He’s a dog subjected to malice. That is all that Kaiser (is allowing himself to) feel for him. And Ness’ love born out of manipulation can never be recognized as valid and honest. It’s so fucking hard to accept love and kindness from someone when you feel like you’ve manipulated them into liking you.

So well, getting back to 285, the team-up with Isagi does not equate to “feeling loved”, but still, it’s a peaceful neutrality.

And the best thing is, now that Kaiser is (likely) abandoning his own unhealthy ego, the real goal stays the same! He’s still encouraged to score, by which he attains a bit of love, but his self-loathing is put on a pause, so he doesn’t have to play in restriction. Isagi is right there for now.

And ofc, i’ll say it again: this is not the final solution to “fix” Kaiser’s psychological stuff. But it is still better than whatever he had experienced before, and it could be the first step to get used to being treated as an equal instead of an enemy - to accept something that is not kindness, but definitely not malice either.

I mean look. This is literally the first time that we see him get physical with anyone. Touching someone without ill intent. And that’s huge.

So all in all: This chapter was GREAT!!

(But as always, feel free to disagree, these are only my opinions)

[localemofreak]

Don’t forget people!!!

‼️Michael is NOT meant to be a good person‼️

so it’s prob best we don’t simp over the character…

Joseph Quinn in Hoard?? Yes 100%- but Michael?? Idk..

Not judging, not trying to put down anybody- but just thought it might be a nice little reminder :) 👏

[zoetiger-1106]

The Chameleon is actually a really complex character and here's why.

Disclaimer: This post will contain kfp 4 spoilers as well as include info from interviews and the animation featurette and I will be analyzing the movie pretending that everything had deeper thought put into it even tho it's most likely not the case sometimes

For those who haven't seen it, have the absolute criminal offense that screwed with the story telling of this movie because it is important context.

Now that we have that whole thing out of the way, let me explain to you how the Chameleon's character is shown through more subtle things instead of just very in your face exposition/ storytelling.

1) Cammy's insecurities

The first time she was in on screen, Cammy was established as being in charge of Juniper City via commanding the local crime lords. She is hidden among them for the first part of their conversation, where she observes them badmouth her before she reveals herself, but even before the reveal, we get hints to her being there via the line "You forgot the shape-shifting sorceress part" that she throws into the conversation after the bear crime lord insulted her appearance.

Despite showing herself as in control and well put together, her need to interject hints at the fact that she does still have some underlying insecurities regarding her true form.

That insecure aspect of her character is further proven by her summoning Tai Lung first (I'll get to that later) and a statement from Viola Davis where she talked about how she did the character voice for Cammy

The underlying implication that she has internalized when masters told her she was "too small, too lowly and that kung fu wasn't [her] destiny" is proven even more when you take into consideration that she exclusively transforms into species that are larger and more physically powerful than her.

She literally says: "I grew, I excelled, and I got everything I had ever dreamed of." Everything BUT kung fu. The one thing she wanted to do from the very beginning. So, with that context, the "dream" she got fulfilled to a degree was the power. Conventional, physical power.

People have told her kung fu wasn't "her destiny" so she decided to take matters into her own hands and do what she believed to get her to where she wanted to.

To quote the Stephanie Ma Stine, the director who actually cared about her: "Because she has this anger that's been build up from always being invisible to everyone else, her transformation process actually reflects her anger."

All those years of being over looked and seen as less than had such an impact on her that it consumes ever part of her being. That lizard needs a hug and therapy, your honor.

As I said, I wanted to get into why she summoned Tai Lung first (chill I know this was not actually as thought out as I am interpreting it to be but hear me out.)

Tai Lung is everything she isn't and couldn't have been.

He is tall and conventionally powerful. Even if you knew nothing about his character, you could take a look at him and know that man is strong. On top of that, he had received formal training at a renowned school by a renowned master. Taking his kung fu first and foremost is not only the fulfillment of a wish she's had her whole life but also a power move on it's own; while not able to do kung fu Cammy still managed to beat someone who was what the schools she had gone to all those years ago would have considered the ideal student.

Also can we acknowledge how the water dragons (those are not komodo dragons idc how often it's stated) clap for her after she's done with Tai? Show of hands from all the mentally ill people who'd get their henchmen to clap for them too because they desperately need praise 🙋

Similar can be said for how she makes the people of Juniper City bow before her when she is paraded around; it makes her feel powerful.

Lastly I'd like to point out that her line of "Third rule of the streets? [...] Some would say it's the most important. Noone is interested in your feelings." Is probably something she got from people not caring about her feelings back in the day when she tried to pursue her passion.

2) Cammy's knowledge & skill

"Those bonds (the cages) are enchanted with some very old and very powerful magic. You'd need at least 10 Dragon Warrior's to get through them". Not only can she create such strong (presumably) chi based bonds but she can make them in batches and with ease. Between the scene of her accepting tributes from the crime lords of the city and Po's vision about her plan we can see her enchant multiple cages at once.

Not only that but she knows advanced chi techniques as well as how to open portals to the Spirit Realm. That is not easy information to come by Cammy has been researching chi in general for god knows how many years.

I don't know if I have said this on this blog before but her not being redeemed is such a wast because she could have not only helped Po further his mastery in chi but also aid in replacing a lot of the scrolls in the JP since she is knowledgeable on history and the history of kung fu and master too.

You honor that lizard is a nerd and deserves to geek out with Po.

I'd also like to point out that not only is she able to shape shift but do it incredibly swiftly. She can be seen switching forms in a matter of seconds even mid combat. Not only that but she has so much control off her body that she was able to create that dragon from of hers by transforming parts of her into different beings with little to no effort. That forms for incredibly stable too; she only transformed out of it to change her strategy.

Her incredible amount of control over her body funnily enough also shown by her 3d model alone. As stated by Sean Sexton the head of character animation "The Chameleon had 8130 controls. You could move every single part of that character [...]"

Lastly, I need to talk about how she genuinely is like Po.

I've seen people say that she can't do anything on her own because she just steals people's kung fu when no. No that is not the case. After having stolen enough master's kung fu to have a wide knowledge of the craft she was able to mimic and adapt to Po's style without having to steal anything from him. If she wouldn't have been given the opportunity to learn kung fu she would have become like Po and been able to master techniques based on simply observing them.

TLDR: Cammy is a great character this fandom is just horrible to female villains

[azalawa-scroggs]

On why I think the "Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth Chooses Death" note was meant literally

I've had this in my drafts for a while after seeing a poll that elicited a little discussion on the topic. I know this is the fandom's majority take on the subject so I'll probably be preaching to the choir, but there (rightly) is discussion about it nonetheless so I felt like giving my arguments.

I'll put it under a read-more just in case people missed the warning in the tags. Considering the topic, naturally, here's a warning for discussion of suicide. Please take care of yourself!

The thing is that Justice For All is very, very ambiguous on that. It does what Ace Attorney is really good at doing - brushing a serious topic then waffling on it until it really doesn't say anything about it, giving itself the benefit of doubt but never making a statement. Both Phoenix and Franziska's dialogue strongly hint that they have a certainty that Edgeworth is still alive, and they're proven right. The narrative doesn't try really hard to sell us the idea that Edgeworth died - Edgeworth is even on the game's box art. I've watched a few JFA walkthroughs hunting for people's reaction to all the Edgeworth talk and his apparent death, and nobody really seems to buy it - either going through great confusion or immediately going like "oh he can't be dead there's no way - he's so coming back."

However. However. It's just impossible to ignore all the subtext that points at the note being real.

The game textually sets up Adrian Andrews as a foil to Franziska. In the parallel Edgeworth draws, Celeste is supposed to represent Manfred - a mentor she admired and whose guidance she lost. But it was a deliberate choice from the writers to have Celeste die by suicide. In the same game that spent a whole game-wide subplot on slowly revealing Edgeworth's apparent death by the exact same means. Edgeworth is the one who gives Phoenix the information about Adrian and Celeste's backstory. And Franziska revealed to us she wasn't seeking revenge for her father, but for her "little brother" - in the parallel between her and Adrian Andrews' stories, it's easy to see Celeste paralleling Edgeworth, not Manfred.

And in fact Adrian is also a clear parallel to Edgeworth himself. He, too, lost the guidance of his mentor and was left questioning everything. In the infamous scene where he interrogates her in the first phase of the trial, he even puts his own words in her mouth.

If you're going to say you would "choose death", that is of no concern to me.

If you consider Rise from the Ashes, Edgeworth's dialogue leaves even less room for doubt regarding his mental state. Compilation:

Edgeworth: Hmph. Some people need very little excuse to think ill of others. It's a fact of life. Impossible to stop. Some of them even go so far as to present me with toys like this… They think it's funny. (Referring to the award he was just given)

Edgeworth: Why, I ask you? Why!? All along, I've done only what I believe is right. I have nothing to be ashamed of! But still... Phoenix: (Wow, I've never seen him this out of sorts...)

Edgeworth: Hmph. I've had to live the past two years with rumors flying around. What's another allegation to me? Ema: Cheer up, Mr. Edgeworth! I'm rooting for you! Phoenix: (That's Edgeworth for you... Always trying to hide his real feelings.)

Edgeworth: There's no excuse for what I've done. Two years ago, I used false evidence to obtain a guilty verdict. That's what it all breaks down to, and nothing I do can erase that fact.

Edgeworth: I'm tired, Mr. Wright. I feel as if… something inside me has died. [...] I know the path I've walked. You don't need to tell me. And the path I've walked... hasn't been a just one. I can't forgive myself for what I've done... and no one else should forgive me either. Phoenix: (Uh oh. I think he's serious!)

Edgeworth: ... It's too late for me. No matter what anyone may say, I realized today that I can't change my own mistakes! Not only that, but I don't even trust myself anymore. Chief Gant was right...

And of course:

Edgeworth: If you'll excuse me… there are still some loose ends that need wrapping up. Take care, Chief Prosecutor. Phoenix: Edgeworth! What will you do now? Edgeworth: ... Phoenix: Well, whatever you do, just remember. What happened in this trial can either make or break you as a prosecutor. In the end, it's up to you. Edgeworth: I know... It seems I owe you my thanks too, Wright. But what I face now... is my problem. Phoenix: Edgeworth... I'll be waiting for you in court. Edgeworth:... Farewell.

I've pulled all my quotes from the wiki, which I believe takes the DS version, but the retranslation of the port makes things even more blatant. Instead of "either make or break you as a prosecutor," the line was retranslated as "You can let what happened kill the prosecutor in you, or you can let it help you grow."

I don't know how much more literal you can get.

Of course, none of this dialogue strictly refers to anything but a professional crisis for Edgeworth. But it is a true crisis, one he takes very deeply and personally - it is his entire moral system that is crumbling down. And the phrasing of some of those lines is downright chilling. "I can't forgive myself, and nobody should do it either" "I feel like something inside me has died" "It's too late for me" or even those ominous "loose ends"... Whatever his final conclusion, he is not doing well. That's one thing RftA makes abundantly clear.

But then why are Phoenix and Franziska so angry, you'll ask me? Grief, of course. Why is Franziska adamant he still lives? Grief, of course - specifically denial. Why does Gumshoe know Edgeworth still lives? Several options. Edgeworth contacted him knowing he'd need someone to help him come back once he decided to come back, or Gumshoe is the one that prevented his note from turning literal, or Edgeworth contacted him at some other point for another reason - it could have happened at any point in his little mental health gap year.

It just makes much more sense to me than the alternative. Why leave a note saying he "chooses death" so unambiguously only to rely on a play on words? He was shown writing a perfectly good resignation letter right before that - the note was meant to be one step further from resignation. And why leave his loved ones in the dark, mourning him, for one entire year if he just deliberately left for soul-searching purposes? The man is obtuse when it comes to feelings, and honestly I could see him pulling this, but... not in conjunction with everything else.

And his arc just makes it make so much sense as well. Depression is often a comorbidity of PTSD, which Edgeworth has, as close to canonically as possible without it being spelled out. He is in an extremely fragile place psychologically - two months earlier his trial dragged him across the coals emotionally, his traumatic past revisited and revealed in an extremely public way. His quest for "perfection" was shattered not just through the losses he suffered at Phoenix's hand but through the sudden, deep and complete betrayal of the man who taught it to him. He only had one moral high ground left - the fact that he never knowingly forged evidence - only for that to be ripped away from him too. Of course he could be nothing less than unstable.

So anyway I don't have any fancy conclusion but yeah I can't imagine "Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth Chooses Death" wasn't meant literally. Even though I'm pretty sure that wasn't the authorial intent, I think it must have been somewhere in the works anyway, otherwise there wouldn't be so many hints to it.

[kerubimcrepin]

Wakfu Manga - Tome 5, Part 1

Cute Joris.

Cynthia Leman's art is wonderful, however, I am going to miss Said Sassine's art greatly... It was a very iconic part of the manga.

"Joris has only one precept: justice" Yeah we noticed. And it's totally not paving him some sort of road to hell as we speak.

When I first read this manga I burst out laughing to the point of tears at the line "my womb is frozen" and I am still giggling to myself about it — though knowing it's coming up has long took away the sheer comical punch that it had back then.

I'm sorry, but this is so unserious.

Of course he'd be the one carrying all the Dofus...

Btw, no, this is not the death of my "during this entire manga Joris keeps his stupid battle-stump in his haven bag, which he actually has" theory. I don't think he'd like to have six dofus in his haven bag. Or anywhere near his belongings.

Creature.

Joris's many gentle hypocrisy moments is him going "well it would be very dangerous..." at the idea of battling Jiva, and then, a while later, going "fine, you are my little pogchamp, Yugo" at the idea of using them to save Tristepin.

It's in-character for many reasons, by the way. (AKA: ughh Yugo will be sad, ughhh Kerubim will be sad if kids are orphaned, ughh maybe Jiva won't kill the kids, ughh we could finally defeat Ogrest, uhghh—)

Very pretty Joris.

The idealogical debate of "nobody should have nukes" and "I, Yugo, should have nukes because I'm a good boy" has sadly been resolved, and not in Adamai's favor, as of season 4. Surely, the world will not suffer for it.

He should be scared and nervous more often.

With every passing year, every new thing revealed about Waven and the Great Wave manga, this exchange gets more and more funny.

Rare moment of Joris being genuine and emotionally truthful. Best not to get used to it, btw.

He is so well-drawn here... I really like it when his cheeks, cheekbones, or the face shape in general, is visible.

Joris looks so shocked, it's funny. Buddy, this happened to you like twice growing up. Kerubim literally also decided to keep you or something.

Real

😰👍

"tap tap tap"

">.<"

Bug.

The definition of insanity is making a little guy run again and again in an active warfare, and he gets exploded each time, but you keep telling him you'll hold the explosions back this time, every time.

DFKSADJGUIODSFGDJSOFGHSDOFUIGHDSFGHDSFKGHDSFKLJ

THIS MANGA IS WIN AFTER WIN AFTER WIN AFTER WIN FOR US, JORIS FANS!!!!!! Joris being hurt. You agree. Reblog.

His snork mimimi face after being beaten into unconsciousness is everything.

So pretty...

Man, in their eyes, he's actually cool and a badass, isn't he?

Real friends get K.O'd together

This is a very good illustration... I can't just crop it!

:(

And of course the thing Joris is most worried about is Dofus.

Though I guess logically, the kids aren't in any danger, which is why his priorities are so screwed up. Jiva has proven that she can keep a child alive for a year, and is merely mentally ill about adoption, so obviously, Joris is more worried about other things <3 (HE IS NOT NORMAL OR SANE FOR SAYING THIS!!!!)

[questionablecuttlefish]

Some Lightcannon Headcanons

Just some thoughts re: these two idiots, specifically how I've been writing them in the Ill-Omen's fanfic series. YMMV, 'official' lore is pretty fuzzy with League stuff. LUX

Lux was expected from a young age to continue the Crownguard legacy in some fashion. With her brother captaining the Dauntless Vanguard, the possibility that he would Die in Glorious Battle leaving that branch of the Crownguard line without an heir would mean Lux stepping up.

Demacia seems fairly gender equal so there are plenty of ways she could do this. But if Garen were to die without issue, as the last remaining heir to that branch she'd have more pressure on her to Continue the Line through marriage and children on top of whatever else she was doing.

She is a trained diplomat and very good at putting her game face on. She usually expertly plays the sunny, charming young lady that has led her to be beloved across Demacia, but she uses so many different smiles she's literally numbered them in her head.

Like most good facades, it's not entirely inaccurate to who she is; Lux really does have a lot of warmth, compassion and idealism, but she isn't naive. She won't hesitate to manipulate people to her advantage if she needs to protect herself or a loved one, defuse a conflict, or deflect scrutiny.

Illuminators

As an Illuminator, she is officially a member of a charitable religious order responsible for helping the poor and downtrodden of Demacia. This is an aspect that Lux excels at, her natural empathy and ability to remain calm in the face of others' distress make her a natural carer.

The Illuminators also operate secretly as a spy network keeping tabs on outside threats to Demacia, including infiltration by old enemies like Noxus. Though young, Luxanna's political status as a Crownguard makes her a valued asset to the Order.

The Illuminators are also one of the few organizations in Demacia that tolerate and utilize mages, albeit discreetly and off the record. They are aware of Lux's abilities and have trained her to use them - covertly - in service of her country.

The Illuminators have on occasion acted to conceal and protect mages or smuggle them to safety, particularly those who might prove useful to their mission.

This puts them directly at odds with the Mageseeker order, (completely separate in my canon) who consider them bitter rivals and suspect, but cannot prove, that they aid mages in secret.

Like most oppressive regimes, the Mageseekers are giant hypocrites and use mages, brainwashed or tortured into compliance, as agents themselves.

In short; the Illuminators believe magic is a viable tool to protect Demacia if carefully shepherded and trained, Mageseekers believe magic is an abomination that must be suppressed or destroyed at all costs.

Lux has proven herself to the Order in several high-difficulty missions, including spying on the Noxian high command, primarily using her invisibility and light-bending powers to remain unseen and gather intel from a distance.

Though the Illuminators have kept Lux away from missions requiring seduction, to avoid 'sullying the Crownguard name', she has killed in the line of duty more than once.

Whilst not a frontline soldier like her brother, Lux has been trained since childhood like any Demacian noble in the warrior arts. She is adept with sword, staff, knife, bow, shield, lance and a deft rider.

She excels most at tactics and strategy; whilst Garen is a fearless and shrewd battlefield commander, Lux has a greater grasp of big-picture strategy and perceptive ability to read others.

She always beats him at strategic games.

Lux is a combat pragmatist. Her magical moves are dance-like and graceful, because when channeling her light she's accessing a transcendant mental space; her swordplay is more to-the-point, favoring strong defense and a quick end to the encounter.

She's not a natural killer, though she is as trained one; she'll kill in self-defense or duty, but she does not enjoy it and feels the weight of each life taken. She finds Jinx's aptitude for killing alarming, less out of moral judgment than out of fear that Jinx may lose herself in it if she goes too far.

Lux's strict, privileged upbringing, many duties, and the necessity of guarding herself from anyone discovering her magic have left her with very few actual, close friendships. She's often lonely, and whilst she's had a handful of unrequited crushes she's inexperienced with romance or relationships and feels like the Crownguard name intimidates away potential partners. She is quick with a smile but keeps people at arms' length for her own protection; with the weight of her name and her secrets on her small shoulders, Lux is slow to trust for very good reasons.

[hopelessdelusional]

.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING FOR SLIGHT MENTIONS OF HOSPITALS, BLOOD, AND DEPRESSION⚠️

You sit in your car smiling at your phone, sure your friends drive you crazy but you wouldn’t have made it this far in life without them.

A year ago today you were laying in a hospital bed watching the same “Friends” episodes that aired on the small TV that sat in front of you. You had gotten into a small car accident, thinking the worst of it was just a concussion, but you were proven wrong when your doctor walked in the room with a clipboard and a frown on her face.

“Ms. L/N, it seems you have a genetic disorder that we didn’t know about. It turns out you have Hemophilia, which is basically a disorder where your blood doesn’t clot normally and when you injure yourself it’s very easy for internal or even external bleeding can occur. Now, it can be treated easily but you have to be careful…”

Those words never left your brain, constantly ringing in your ears. You never thought you’d be the same. Taking on a physical illness like that caused you to struggle mentally as well, struggling to get back in the swing of things. The constant doctor visits, parents calling every day, random relatives texting you, it was exhausting. You were exhausted.

However, you had the best group of friends, who supported you no matter what. They gave you a reason to get out of bed, and even giving you a reason to go to bed when it was an appropriate time. Yes, the journey was hard but you had family and friends right next to you, and that’s all you had to think about. In order to get through the bad, you have to get to the good.

That’s how you ended up here, sitting in the parking lot of the most packed out studios in Los Angeles. That’s also how you got to working again, finally summoning up the courage to put your résumé back out there, and to your surprise getting hired almost immediately.

“I dunno Toshi, it just happened so suddenly I didn’t have any time to adjust to take it in or-“

“n/n I swear to god if you don’t accept this, they are literally the top modeling agency of LA. This is an opportunity of a lifetime.”

You sighed and sat back down in your rolling chair, watching your best friend stare at you from your bed disapprovingly.

“Okay. Okay fine. Whatever I‘ll take it.”

You slowly look up at your best friend who is grinning back up at you.

“I knew you had it in you.”

You walked in through the double doors, showing the receptionist your ID, and finding your way around the building. Eventually you met the agent that you spoke on the phone with. It was refreshing to see she was as kind looking as her picture on the website, but you couldn’t for the life of you remember her name. She immediately jumped up to greet you.

“Good Morning Ms. L/N! Thank you so much for coming in today. I knew as soon as I saw your name on my list of possible photographers I wanted you here ASAP. I love your perspective and the way you capture models flawlessly, There was no way I was going to deny you!”

Taken aback by the sudden energy and kindness that this modeling agent had offered, you smiled and chuckled along with her as she rambled. She walked you through the main hallway and then finally into the main photography unit. It was even bigger than you remembered, many different corners of the unit being used for different sets and shoots. Some ridiculous, like come cologne add with a shirtless cowboy and some majestic, like a mermaid photoshoot.

“Before we start,” the agent stopped suddenly causing you to stumble, but you quickly picked yourself back up and you rose your eyebrow at her.

“My client is a bit…moody. He is beautiful and capable of anything you throw at him, but because of his…attitude…you have to be hard and confident. He admires that.”

She smiled at you like what she had just said was normal, then continued walking.

You no longer wanted to look at the other shoots, now trying to muster up as much confidence and professionalism as you could. What did she mean moody?! You groaned internally, regretting getting out of bed and putting on jeans for the first time in weeks.

“All right! Here we are. Bakugou! Meet your new photographer! She’s the one I was talking about the whole way here, I mean she is just incredible and-“

Suddenly, all the air got punched out of your lungs. That was him. That was the bad kisser that you made out with for an hour and a half at that stupid party! God you hated alcohol, why did you even go?! Why are you even here?! You should run, you should run as fast as you can and never come back.

Instead, you swallowed back your emotions and stuck your hand out, flashing a smile that you hoped didn’t make you look like you’re constipated.

If he recognized you, he didn’t make it obvious, although there was a slight twitch in his left eye, something you remember him doing when you lowered your hand down his stomach and down his-

“Pleasure to meet you! I’m excited to have the opportunity to work with you.”

He kept our eye contact, which both made you uncomfortable and a little excited. He was wearing a tight black shirt that had a slight v-neck, hickeys being showcased beautifully on his skin. You now remembered why you jumped him in the first place, that fire in his eye, beautifully sculpted muscles, a jawline that could kill, and those prominent lips that made you want to pull him close all over again. No wonder he’s a model he’s fucking perfect.

He hesitated before taking your hand in his, shaking it slightly, giving you a brief flashback of those very hands on your waist just two nights ago.

“Yeah, can’t fucking wait.”

You couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but instead of lingering on the moment you let go of his hand first, and turned your body to the agent again.

“I have all of my equipment with me, so just give me a second to set up and we can start!”

The agent beamed at you once more before running to get the rest of the crew. You shot a quick glance at Bakugou before smiling gently and walking away. You didn’t want to look at him long for too long, scared you might get too distracted. You were here for a reason, you had to be confident and most importantly professional. You’ve worked with hundreds of models, he wasn’t any different.

You’ve been in the photography game since you were 15, slowly building up your skills. You had done so many graduation photos, weddings, family pictures, and that was all before you were 18. By the time you graduated high school you had enough money to leave your home town and start going to a college that fit you just right in LA. That’s how you met Hitoshi, and through him all the rest of your friends. Ever since then you’ve been slowly building up your career and you have a newfound pride in yourself. Not a lot of people are lucky enough to be in a stable career they love in their early 20’s.

You bent over to plug in the last wire, before turning back around to find Bakugou’s agent. Cursing when you realized you didn’t see her, your eyes quickly found Bakugou, who was looking at himself in the mirror fixing his hair. You sucked in a breath and quickly walked over to where he was standing. You lean on the desk to catch his attention, and thankfully he seemed to stop what he was doing and turned his body towards yours.

“What’s you agent’s name?”

He stared at you for an uncomfortable amount of time before he grunted, looking away.

“Some professional, can’t even remember your fucking client’s name.”

You cocked an eyebrow at him, crossing your arms to show you didn’t appreciate his answer.

“I’m gonna ask you again. What is your agent’s name.”

That seemed to do the trick, because he looked back into your gaze, almost challenging you. You kept your stare, having years of staring contests with Hitoshi up your sleeve. However, you were taken aback when he smirked, causing you to glance at his lips for a split moment before returning back to your stance.

“Allison Marks, now don’t forget that.”

You smiled politely and uncrossed your arms.

“Oh I won’t, even when i’m drunk I always seem to remember things when it comes to you.”

You chuckled, watching a small blush creep on the tips of his ears, before he rolled his eyes looking away.

“Damn right, no one could forget me in a million years.”

You scoffed, starting to walk away from him, but he grabbed your hand before you could fully leave.

“And L/N, don’t get too distracted, we have a job to do.”

His face was neutral but his eyes told you everything you needed to know. His eyes was clouded with confidence and lust, leaving your brain to wonder back to that night again.

He let go chuckling and you walked off in a trance.

Fuck. This was gonna be a lot harder than you thought.

.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

gold rush

hello my dearest followers/readers! if you’re just now reading this welcome to Wildest Dreams, the Model!Bakugou Katsuki x Photographer!Reader, and if you’re coming back oh boy did i have fun writing this😈

i literally haven’t posted fan fiction since my watt pad days, whew. also ummmm i didnt proof read this so…have fun with that…love you!!!

fun facts! ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

- no matter the gender y/n always says “yes ma’am” in response so someone asking her to do smth (unless the other person is uncomfortable)

- i got the idea of the blood disorder bc my sister has smth similar so i know a bit abt it, however do not be scared to correct me or tell me any information about the disorder!

- can u tell idk what a studio unit thingy looks like😀😀😀no like all i can think about is those scenes in New Girl back when Cece was a model and they showed where she worked…that’s it

- sho used to be SUCH a dry texter but after a couple of years the gang got him to be more expressive and energetic

- the convo at the beginning of katsuki’s texts is actually inspired by a real convo my friends had 🤭

←Prev˚✧ Next→

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ updates every wednesday and sunday! happy wildest dreams wednesday ✧.*

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ TAGLIST IS OPEN just message or comment: @iiilovemilfs @0anodite0 @bakugouswh0r3 @amethyst123 @nijirosz @bakugoukatsukiwifiu @allnamesredacted @ch3rryhaze @ectoplasmictoast @cathwritestragediesnotsins

[dallasurr]

i feel so hurt and upset about Simon he needed to heal too

i can't sleep at night sometimes

I know this is so random but i don't care i feel so hurt by the idea of everyone healing but him dead and bound to be forgetten. .. i want him feel good i want to get him out of there.

I've said this before but as much as I'd like to see the series to its planned end, I'm not that unhappy about not getting season 5. It would be really hard for me to see Amelia get a redemption or her exit when she went on the train as a fully mature adult in her 30s, and did wayyyy worse things than Simon did. Although she was mentally unstable at the time she got on the train, it doesn't seem like she had a history of mental illness before Alrick died.

What Simon did to Grace and Hazel was fucked up, I can wrap my head around his justification for killing Tuba and I'm not the person to debate about this bc I straight up didn't like Tuba. She went out of her way to kidnap and scare Grace and Simon, who would have probably found the exit to the car and went on their way the next day without her interference, and I'm of the opinion that she put both herself and Hazel in danger with her little prank. I know we wouldn't have a story without it, and it doesn't justify her death, but literally from their first interaction she showed Simon she can be hostile and dangerous. And while she warmed up to Grace (according to Grace lol I didn't see much friendly interaction between them at all, just Grace enjoying/admiring the way she interacted with Hazel), Simon always got attitude from her, I can't blame him for not warming up to her.

Simon might have been 18 at the time of his season but let's be honest, both he and Grace were very immature and justifiably so. They only had each other and their delusions for years and years before they became guardians themselves. The train has proven itself to be dangerous, and proved how high the stakes are when he died, but people act like he was a fucking monster for doing what he thought he needed to protect himself, grace and hazel from a perceived threat. He could have been a little more tactful with explaining what happened, or lied about it, but like tbh as a neurodivergent person myself who sees Simon as someone who is on the autism spectrum, I REALLY struggle with lying and deceiving people so I can understand why he just blurted out the truth without any thought.

I do think one of the most irredeemable things he did was dehumanize Grace and trap her in her memories, whether or not he knew it could kill her (I assume he didn't bc the Cat as usual didn't explain shit to him) the way he pushed her over and walks away makes me nauseous.

But I certainly don't think he deserved to die for that, and I think the series would have been a lot better if instead of kicking her off the train again (which at this point in the scene felt kind of slapstick i'm ngl), Simon finally broke out of his paranoid and delusional thought patterns and they were able to drag everyone back into the mall car for a heart to heart.

In my head in episodes 9 and 10 he's a lot like Catra in The Portal episodes, but instead of getting 2 more seasons after his fall from grace (lol) to recover and heal and fix his issues, he just got killed instead.

And it sucks because dude was clearly mentally ill and traumatized, and as someone who has mental illness and trauma that can make me act out sometimes too, who also struggles to read the room and understand what people want from me if they don't tell me directly, who ALSO had parents that didn't have my best interests as even a consideration to whatever they could gain from me, it kind of reinforces my anxiety which tells me that I deserve to suffer because of x y z stupid thing I did or said 5, 10, even 20 years ago.

(and before anyone says simon had all the chances to change and grow that grace did, please rewatch the season, he absolutely did not and all of the events that led to grace growing as a person happened when simon wasn't around, yes he was immature in a lot of moments but dude literally did not have a normal adolescence and to expect him to act like a fucking adult all the time after that is ridiculous)

[nerves-nebula]

"the actors don't like the ship it makes them uncomfortable!" yeah that does not and never has mattered. they're actors. they act as characters. they are not the characters themselves, they do not have a say in how you think of or portray the characters they act as. this is not real person fanfiction. Alex is just a homophobic creep.

anyway after talking to my friend i've decided to just tell you guys. the series i hate is The Mandela Catalogue. it's so shit. absolute garbage. Plays into every ableist trope in the book.

If you try to analyze the way characters are coded to be scary or creepy or "inhuman" it's 99% of the time just them being disabled or neurodivergent or some other marginalized identity.

the fascist undertones of the series are incredibly evident, from the stranger-danger propaganda being given at face value with no commentary on how fucked up it is to just say it's reasonable for you to shoot someone you think is an alternate/looks weird (are white people not aware of all the poc and disabled people who get shot and attacked cuz their existence is seen as threatening?)

the public announcement shit is literally fear mongering except it's in universe proven to be correct because the universe alex has created is an inherently fascist one where innocent white Christians and their innocent white children are under attack from Real Demons (where have i heard that one before)

the THINK principles are akin to a cults guideline. how is the scary thing here that there are weird looking people out there that will Say Scary Shit to you (the idea of an Unknowable Truth as it's alluded to in tmc is bullshit and one of the dumbest Monster powers I've ever heard of) instead of the fact that society is gonna collapse because this shit will make people paranoid as hell, and start shooting their neighbors. But no, that would make it a GOOD series with something INTERESTING to say.

OH and the fact that the enemies in the series are somehow supposed to Look Just Like You (they could be anyone!!) but also look biologically impossible (so many of the alternates + The intruder just look like disabled or disfigured people put through a scary filter)

and hey, while we're here, can we think of any other examples of tropes in media in which all of these apply to The Enemy?

looks very similar to REAL humans, so much so that they could fool you into thinking they ARE one! and yet are also somehow inherently biologically different in a way you are capable of figuring out just by looking at them.

has dark beady eyes and a hooked/big/prominent nose (thinking of the intruder specifically here)

Kidnaps your children for their own nefarious means (blood libel)

Kidnaps/corrupts your children by controlling the media/technology/TV screens.

Desire world domination/is part of some big conspiracy stretching far into the past

Guilty for the death (or in this instance possibly the replacement of) Jesus Christ

depicted as literal demons

Hint! it's antisemitism! it's always fucking antisemitism!!! Coming from a man who's main source of inspiration is his Christianity & mental health issues (though he doesn't seem to mind demonizing the symptoms of mental illnesses he hasn't had personal experience with) i'm not surprised! Though I am disappointed, because he supposedly wants to be a writer, and he doesn't seem very aware of any of the tropes he's propagating. like c'mon man, i thought you liked literature.

I could make another list exactly like that one but for ableism, but if i committed that hard then we'd be here all day.

Alex has even started using words like Degenerate/Degeneration in promotional material too (which if you know anything about fascist rhetoric is a bad sign) not to mention his weird behavior around queer headcanons/shipping and his tendency to mock people who read queer subtext into his work.

The only good things that come from the mandela catalogue are from the fandom but even the fandom can't stop talking about how SUBVERSIVE and UNIQUE it is when it's literally just regurgitated reactionary talking points. The fandom also loves reinforcing Alex's weird ass "no gay shipping" mandate.

like, he clearly doesn't mind the inclusion of romances. Adam had a girlfriend. what he says he minds is "sexualization" which just so happens to include every instance of two male characters looking at each other or holding hands (because being gay is inherently sexual to him, which is homophobic btw. not a "boundary")

i could write essays about how every little single aspect of this series is, thematically speaking, dogshit garbage which appeals to the majority and barely admits the rest of us exist (which i wouldnt even care about so much if people didn't act like this series was at all unique or subversive)

I've talked for fucking hours about how every time i think it can't get any worse it somehow does. i've barely touched on the ableism here, haven't even mentioned the racism OR how all the female characters are defined by their relations to the male characters.

ALL THIS. ALL THIS!!! And all you see about it is praise praise PRAISE. but guys. it's just BAD.

side note: if this post makes you feel the need to tell me why it's actually good: don't! i really dont care if you like it, good for you i guess. as far as i'm concerned the fans of it are the best part of the whole damn series (to be clear the fandom has its own problem but even then. it's generally fine) but it is NOT good source material.

[48787]

I am literally always correct about media

Three episodes into Bravern.

I saw the first episode, not even, the first fucking MOMENT it said "This is a training exercise" I knew, I fucking KNEW, I was in for the Evangelion Rebuild 0.00 You Do (Not) Want To Watch Evangelion experience. And my Brothers in Shinji Ikari's goop, I'm ignoring that parenthetical because thesis never exist in the first place, and parents never exist in the first place, it's all just the complete and constant Holy Trinity of living in the present for the present. And oh boy that Angel sure is Cruel.

If you don't think I'm speaking "Truth" you need to realize two things about me:

1. I've seen footage. They've shown us so much, and broke show-don't-tell DELIBERATELY multiple times to address the immediate concern that the audience should be asking IMMEDIATELY if they've seen the same footage as well (Like how it obviously has a 1 to 1 Evangelion LCL bit but it's green and referenced as "From The Abyss" doing that absolutely devilish charm of manipulating by never telling lies, only different truths, further proven by "Wait how do you know about that?" Or how the outro is clearly on a stage but then it almost tears or blurs into stars. You fuckers remember MyHouse.wad right?? You know this shit means something, right??) Or the invocation of very very very specific tropes followed by another very very very specific trope, or the deliberate subversion of trope followed by a character deliberately trying to force the trope out of subversion into genuinity. Many such cases, too many to list. I've just seen footage and I don't know how people don't see the fucking massive amount of narrative foils-per-minute, both within the show and connecting outside the show. The Evangelion shit is easy, it goes far deeper than that. (A good example is how they were clearly invoking starship troopers-y Earth patriotism and then subverted SST by the mixing of genders in a changing room seeming awkward and like it's not supposed to happen but happening anyway to form an extremely subtle juxtaposition.)

2. I stay noided. Every fucking subtle change of the framing device, of a characters features (Like in the outro alongside choice moments in the show, similar to the effect Cyberpunk Edgerunners that I can first remember coming from Evangelion), the minor moments of nonfalsifiability, the constant IN CHARACTER "Don't think about it just do it my way and it'll be okay" explanations that only rhetoric-obsessed mentally ill person like me would understand (Followed by things that only make sense if you knew what to look for), the fact that the intros and outros are literal propaganda that the audience WANTS to buy into (I believe representing the passion the fucking love hypercube evokes and each member experiences uniquely), the consistency of certain stylistic choices (Like conflating the stars and crosses to focus on Evangelion just a little more), the deliberate choice to use an entirely new stylistic transition or in between just to pretend like it wasn't anything important at all, it all MUST have meaning. The whole POINT is the power of inspiration and the neutrality of power being two coexisting ideas. The clothing metaphors, the masking metaphors, the gay metaphors that form subtle trans metaphors that form certain asexual-aromantic-agender metaphors, the literal fucking AT fields that are broken by vulnerability. Lewis (The current parallel to Bravern) loses but chooses what's cool so he can try it better next. Ishami (The current parallel to Lulu.. not Vi Brittania I swear, absolutely zero connection at all, tooooootally) is more "serious" but far more vulnerable and has his masks broken down.

They're fucking in a love triangle but tricked you it's actually a fucking square that's been folded so the corners are touching. Which corners are touching which? Good question asshole, it's all of them.

Someone thought "the MegOp ship is pretty cool. If they weren't around would it be Hotrod/Rodimus and Soundwave instead? They are kind of thematic opposites to both their normal foils anyway." and then made a whole show about that after everyone who ever heard that either didn't see enough footage or couldn't stay noided long enough to realize what a genius they were. And since no one understood just how much context builds up to even being able to think that in the first place, they just made the perfect show about manufacturing consent. For what? Literally anything and everything, including nothing.

I know exactly how fucked up the polycule formed when a mortal dares to ask "What if the three parts of the Holy Trinity, like, kissed and fucked and made out?" would be because I dare to ask it constantly, I am living it, we all are. It's the Divine Comedy, it is hell, it is chicken it is eggs it is in between your legs (10 points if you've seen enough footage to get this), and above all else it's hot as fuck and makes me want to never give up and live forever, no matter who you are no matter what you love doing.

I love this fucking show, I can't wait to finish it so I can be proven right on all accounts.

Y'all dumb motherfuckers keep refusing to understand Evangelion, your hubris makes you think you're somehow above Shinji, that you'd be different if you were put in his shoes. And that will always mean people like Lulu and Bravern will always exploit you for the love of doing it.

I have so many thoughts about this show and they're all right and if you think a single one of them is wrong you will literally be proven wrong because I will always be right, in time and out of time.

Maybe the next post or two will be more coherent since I'm taking a break, but I should actually finish the show first so I can gloat even harder about being objectively correct about everything in the universe ever.

[lovelyrotter]

yknow i think the thing ppl dont get about ult dirk is that everything that man does in the epilogues is fueled by self harm. i mean he literally kills himself in candy, and then makes a point to PERMANENTLY distance himself from everyone he loves, in particular jake and dave.

dirk breaks things off with jake in the most dramatic way possible to 1) manufacture a dramatic narrative quite literally for the reader, bc hes aware of the reader (us) as the narrator, and 2) cement the hurt in both jake and himself so its 'too late' for them. hes like a hurt cat, he just claws at people sometimes, even if his people are treating him so gently. sometimes gentle is whats scary.

the reason he looks forward to the day dave takes his head off again is because he still thinks he deserves a just death. this is proven by his perma death in candy. he thinks so fuckin lowly of himself post-game that it IS just as decreed by himself. he wants dave to enact vengeance so badly, even after the striunion. even after dave already had to take his head off once before. bro strider haunts him, and you can see this in the way he memes about it (the fuckin dakimakura in his gay space bedroom. his room is so so gay /pos)

the baked-in shit that dirk has in his brain doesnt just vanish. even surrounded by loved ones, it doesnt just vanish. and dirk's various mental illnesses combined with his heart powers? you fuckin bet hes gonna take that to finally destroy himself and the image of himself in the minds of his loved ones.

its very literally the BPD/EUPD mood of "i'm going to do the things i'm scared of doing so i can be right and also punish myself for the perceived 'inherent badness' in me. i dont deserve you, so i'm going to push you away". its ELEMENTARY and imo very in-character for a grown up version of the nervous 16y/o who had the literal worst fuckin day-and-a-half imaginable right before the final fight

dirk is someone who believes he deserves scorn, criticism, and isolation, even though he CRAVES love and validation and acceptance. he wants to help, but his way of helping (taking control of a situation) scares him. dirks biggest fear is himself. if 16y/o dirk met ult dirk he'd be terrified, and then eventually create his self-fulfilling prophecy. as we see in pesterquest actually

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Genshin CC Drama is really interesting.

Cuz you got Guy #1 who was accused months ago of excluding other creators, targeting them, spreading rumors about them to his friend group to discourage other CCs from interacting with them, using his In at MHY to have him excluded from creator events, and was accused of covering up SA at an event he hosted.

Guy #1 swears up and down none of this is true. Then most of it is proven to be true when his own CC friends are like, yeah, he told us he didn't like this other CC and that he was hesitant about having them mentioned in convo. And they provide screenshots of texts, DMs, and messages.

But there was NO SA apparently no matter what anyone says. That didn't happen so why would it be framed that way by the accuser?

So, then Guy #1 decides to come back around months later with claims that don't negate anything said previously, but accusations against literally everyone in his CC friend group, and CCs not in his friend group. And after vehemently denying SA happened at the event this is all centered around, he deliberately words accusations against another CC who wasn't involved until now, in a vague enough way that makes it sound like he was responsible for the bad thing that happened and allows everyone to accuse them of SA.

And ain't it just so interesting that Guy #1 kicks all of his CC 'friends' out of the chat and privates it all minutes before posting his accusations so that none of his 'friends' can counter with anything they actually said in those chats. BUT it turns out Girl #1 of the group TOOK SCREENSHOTS OF EVERYTHING and had to post them. And the guy getting accused of SA now has to reveal what actually happened at the event and how, no, no sexual anything happened especially not from him and it's weird that Guy #1 would word things that way after claiming nothing bad happened at all. And his account matches Girl #1's account of the event. And Girl #1 had A LOT to reveal in screenshots.

Guy #1 was confronted by his CC 'friends' for his behavior on MANY occasions. But now he's using the 'my partner cheated on me' with no proof and no word from her on the matter, 'and that made me suicidal' to divert attention from his actions. And there's no actually telling if he is or not because it's a tried-and-true thing for people to claim mental illness the moment they get blasted for being shitty.

Many of the sides of this conflict are wrong, and many of the people involved are bad people including Guy #1, in my opinion. And I'm sorry, but you can't generate sympathy from me if you're going to post something that's full of lies, and deliberately hide the only way your friends would have to defend themselves, and then throw a fit about 'exposing DMs' because one person had an inkling as to what you were planning and saved screenshots and then exposed them to clear their own name which cleared others too. You can't claim that you had good intentions and that you did nothing wrong if, in the text, it is right there that what you're saying about many CCs is a lie.

The two main spearheads of this drama are BOTH bad men. For different reasons. One doesn't get off just because he's Asian and maybe suicidal over a potential breakup. The other doesn't get off just because he got divorced recently and was severely traumatized and groomed in his youth. They both do and say bad shit. Both things can be true at the same time. Not liking Guy #1 doesn't mean I like Dude #1.

Basically, if you are in the right and you are fully confident in what you have to say, then it should not be a problem for you to reveal the entire contents of the chat you were in with other CCs you're accusing. You shouldn't have to edit anything or lock anyone out first before posting snippets here and there. And if you swear that nothing bad happened, and that the person who accused you originally misunderstood something, why would you word an accusation against another CC in such a way that implies that something very bad did happen, and it's something so terrible is unforgivable? And why would you not address it when you see people under YOUR post accusing them of SA if you've sworn that nothing bad happened?

[timeoverload]

Well I have a lot to say at the moment. I have had the itch to write this all day but I couldn't because I was very busy at work. First of all, I apologize for my antics the past week. I'm still a little upset about what happened yesterday but I realize that some of that was my fault. Maybe I'm not being patient enough. I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's day. I'm definitely not as angry as I was last week and I was in a great mood all day despite being extremely stressed.

I was such a mess yesterday. I was so uncomfortable and I really don't want to go out by myself again. I wish I enjoyed doing that but I never have. I guess that's just the way I am. I was really looking forward to seeing you but I understand why you weren't there. I'm not planning on responding to any more indirect requests from anyone asking me to show up somewhere. I'm not going to keep subjecting myself to that anxiety if nothing is going to come out of it. I think I should have proven myself by now.

Another thing that triggered me while I was there was seeing someone that I used to be close to. There was a guy I went to high school with in one of the bands that played and we were good friends for a while. We had a very brief fling but literally nothing ever happened between us because I was acting psycho and that lead to the end of our friendship. It was definitely for the best because I treated him very poorly even though he was very kind to me. I knew that he wasn't the one for me. It seems like he is doing well now and I am happy for him. I don't think he recognized me but that's ok with me. Seeing him reminded me of how terrible I was in high school and I don't think I realized at the time how crazy I was acting. It brought back a lot of bad memories. He isn't the only person I acted that way towards. I was such an asshole and I did a lot of crazy shit back then that I would never do now. I'm not surprised that I don't have any friends left from high school.

I had a tough time keeping friends back then because of my behavior too. I was going through a lot of traumatic shit so that didn't help. I also used to be more of a risk taker too but I think a lot of that was due to mania. I didn't make the best decisions. I can't blame everything on my mental illness but it didn't help that I was not properly medicated for that until I was 24 or 25. I'm really surprised that I only got in trouble once in high school and it was for smoking cigarettes. I got pretty lucky I think. I have learned a lot since then and I think that I'm a much better person than I used to be.

Anyway, I also drank too much too quickly yesterday without eating so that was a stupid decision. I was fine though and I didn't throw up so I'm happy about that. I don't remember the drive home but I didn't have any issues. I'm glad it wasn't dark outside. I am never doing that again and I feel horrible about it since that is against my morals. It is very irresponsible. I know better and it was still scary.

I remember my mom driving drunk with me in the car all the time when I was a teenager. She would pick me up after school and she would usually be late because she had already been drinking or was hungover. Almost every day she would stop at walmart when we were on our way home so she could buy more $3 garbage wine. Then when we got home, I had to help watch my brother and sister and help with dinner so she could go sit in the garage. She would sit out there for hours and talk to herself while she was chain smoking and drinking. She would usually have at least 1 bottle of wine every night. I remember she would go to the bar at night and drive home drunk frequently. She hit mailboxes and other unknown things with her car. I remember waking up in the morning and looking out my window to check to see if she had parked in the yard again because it happened several times. We lived in a pretty nice neighborhood so that looked really bad. She got several DUI's and I'm thankful she never hurt anyone. I'm glad she doesn't have a car now because she can't be trusted with one. I don't want to end up like her but I also know I wouldn't let myself get to that point. I also lost a friend I met in high school because she was on her boyfriend's motorcycle with him and he was drunk and they got in an accident. He lived but she didn't and it was very sad. She was such a sweet person and I'm glad I got to spend time with her. It's hard for me to think about.

After I got home last night, I didn't drink that much more and I ate some food. I didn't want to do anything otherwise. I had no interest in being on the computer. I was upset and not in the right state of mind to be on here. I wanted to watch tv because I haven't in a long time so that's what I did. It was nice. I wanted to distract myself because I was not looking forward to today.

There were 75 cases all together on our side of the hospital. There was a lot going on. I had 16 cases this morning and 15 in the afternoon. There was a 45 minute delay around lunch time because there was an issue with the disposable sterile supply packs that come from the manufacturer. I'm not exactly sure what happened but it messed up the rest of the day and we were extremely behind. It was exhausting trying to catch up after that. The last case didn't get done until 6:20 so I didn't get out of there until 6:45. I was there 12 hours because I got there early this morning too. I think that tomorrow will be slower so that's good.

I am glad that I have Wednesday off but I'm also very anxious about it. I'm not going to be able to sleep in but I'm sure I will need a nap afterward so I should have time to do that. I am still looking forward to seeing you even though things haven't been going well recently. I know we will figure stuff out eventually and I need to stop worrying so much. Everything will be ok. I love you. 💖💖💖

I have been writing a long time and I know I'm going to continue going on tangents if I don't stop. I'm not going to have much time to relax tonight because I still have stuff to do. My right eye is also bothering me again too so I need to give it a break. I'm not sure why it hurts so bad and it has felt like something is in it all day. I have been wearing mascara more often so maybe that's the issue. Hopefully it feels better in the morning. I just ate dinner and now I have to get ready for bed. I really hope tomorrow is a better day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too!!! :) Thank you for listening to me. 💖💖💖

[evilichu]

i came up with the idea of having my best friend block me whenever i get emotional.

i rely on him too much, and i feel like i'm borderline abusing him with everything i put on him. he's my favorite person still and whenever i start to feel anything i feel the need to text him, to ask for comfort, to vent, trauma dump, all of that. and i also have splitting episodes where i think i could be very nasty to him for no reason (i mean at the time i do have my reasons)

so the blocking prevents that.

and i know it was my idea, but i guess a part of me can't believe it happens. i guess i wish he said no, i wish he would want to stay with me when things are going south. i mean, what do i expect from the same guy who broke up with me for being mentally ill? of course he doesn't want to deal with this.

but he says he's my friend, and he acts like he's genuinely concerned. so where does that concern go when i start spewing dysfunctional thoughts? why doesn't he care that he's basically leaving me on my own, when that has proven to be a bad idea? and he textes me "okay. please don't hurt yourself. good night" like bro???? i have literally abandonment issues and i'm putting up with it for you, so don't ask shit from me

i feel so lonely. i wonder if i'll ever find someone to care for me and not see me as a burden.

and fuck, i know it's unfair to expect him to care for me constantly. i just don't know. it all makes me feel so shitty and i wish it didn't. i wish i was a normal person with normal thoughts and healthy relationships. don't we all?

i hate all of this back and forth of thinking it's the best for him to block me and then feeling absolutely devastated when he does. if i were normal i could be an actual good friend instead of this.

lucas: if you ever see this i'm guessing i'm dead. i'm really sorry that i put you through hell. you probably can tell that it was hard for me to make up my mind about something. i promise you i really tried to be a good friend.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

U dont have to respond to this if you feel its tmi or whatwver but ... I had an odd prophetic dream kind of moment recently , and its been makingme nervous. I had a dream that, Me, my father, and his girlfriend were being spied on/chased after by someone.. Something like that. It came completely out of the blue and i didnt think anything of it! then, that morning, i get a call from my father that hes in town , and that he has to tell me something urgently , and when we meet he tells me that .... For context, his girlfriend 's ex husband is a person with a lot of money and power. and tells me that He has been actively threatening them+has also been threatening my fathers daughter . And that I should be very careful because people like this are capable of everything. Just that night I was visiting the lost all hope website. Ive been in a very bad mental slum . This somehow really , idk, it felt real. It put my troubles aside , because what is happening is real and , there's something . Talking about my dream... I wish I could, and idk how to connect further with this side of myself. I wish i could somehow keep this spiritual feeling ? I really wish there was more things like this happwnign to me. and i know i need to seek them out. but idk how to do it. because im instead stuck in my own head... My father told me i should turn and talk to my spiritual teachers, and ask for them to guide me. I dont know how to go about it. I feel like I need something magical to happen. I really know very little about this stuff. On another note, and im rly sorry if this makes u nervous, ihad a dream tonight that something happened to pochita , and when I woke up i instantly went to ur blog to check on pochita .-.;; I know pochita will be ok though...

awh i am happy to answer this anon, i am happy u cld come to me about it. firstly i want to say i really hope you are ok, ill b praying for you and ur family anon. try to tell urself like a mantra, "no weapon formed against me shall prosper". try to create a feeling of safety in ur heart as u think/say it. envision your family being guarded by an angel army. people with money who use it for evil, they're the most doomed souls. they're living at the lowest frequency possible. you have power over them that u can utilize w your heartfelt prayers. now, as for the dreams: i believe that you may have experienced an ESP dream, picking up on the worries of ur father. its no coincidence, im telling you! from what u psychically were picking up, your dream may have provided a scenario thats priming u to handle this predicament. it shows great sensitivity to be able to not only facilitate an esp dream, but to recall it and apply it to real life. you're on your way anon 🤍 more things like this can happen the more u open urself up to them. however, you cant force it! the more u try to force it, the more it'll repel itself. its hard to explain but.. prayer and study will open up more avenues. listen to whats happening in the back of ur mind. for me, i actually have way more prophetic visions in waking life than in dreams. it took years to rly trust my intuition the way i do now, years of constantly having unusual hunches then being proven right. its a lifelong journey, look forward to it~ ur father is right, ask your guides or angels or whoever, ask them to show u the next step. the magic is all around u, its in the small things, try to notice them and dont ever write anything off as coincidence. thats my advice.. and as for your dream of pochita, i appreciate yr concern ;w; the thing w dream interpretation is, altho u get the occasional prophecy coming thru, most dreams are not meant to be taken too literally. i suspect it was a stress dream and since pochita's injury has been on people's minds lately, ur dream was using her to symbolize something in ur subconscious. she's doing just fine laying at my feet as i type this 🤍 thanku for caring her 🤍 u seem like a sweetheart and i pray for ur family's safety. dont give up hope anon. there are miracles in your future!!!!!!!!!

[marsconer]

PENELOPE & SEVERUS : TALE AS OLD AS MEDIEVAL TIME

i was working on many wrong few rights when i realized penelope and severus had a very interesting dynamic. i think i may have developed myself into a courtly love corner with those two. or maybe i accidentally made a subversion of courtly love, since they aren’t the usual figures who would get to live a courtly love. so here’s my study of a relationship. disclaimer im not a medievalist or an english major so take my literally analyses with a handful of salt, im just a gay person with a hobby and thoughts. i wrote this for me to help me write my fic and i decided to share bc this is my blog that’s reason enough.

what is courtly love in the first love?

courtly love was a medieval european literary conception of love that emphasized nobility and chivalry. ( wikipedia ). courtly was the love of a knight for a woman of noble heritage, usually above the knight's own social class. It was a ritualistic admiration of a lady of high birth, usually unrelated to marriage or sex. it places great important on this later part, courtly love cannot be consummated. it is better to speak or to die? to die.

THE KNIGHT.

this is where i think things get interesting because severus snape is not your local medieval knight. and those characters are already idealized versions of said knights. let’s contrast our half blood prince with those arthurian esque legends. when i was researching knighthood for this meta, the found that had pillars and they were:

friendship, generosity, chastity, courtesy, piety, honor, honestly, valour, loyalty, devotion.

and although severus embodies a few of those traits ( devotion and loyalty come to to mind ), he’s more in line with your heathcliff than your lancelot. his loyalty to dumbledore can only be proven by being disloyal to voldemort. he is chaste, even in cannon all his love for lily can be read as platonic and even when read as romantic is very chaste. but he lacks the everything else.

THE LADY

penelope gaunt on the other hand, fulfills what “lady of high birth” is supposed to be closely enough. she’s on high birth technically, being slytherin royalty and having a powerful father, she’s promised to marry into the most ancient and noble house of black. but she’s also incredibly comfortable with violence, she has a higher tolerance to it than him when they start off. her father’s power comes from being the leader of a terrorist-classist-mugglephobic cult. her “lord” husband dies in the first year of marriage and during the golden era she’s not a maiden or a lady wife but a widow. she’s not a traditional figure to be “worthy” of said devotion.

THE COURTING, THE LOVING

penelope and severus start growing closer in their fifth year, they had a solid friendship but their dynamic slowly grows from confidants to this dance around their feelings that resembles the courtly love of high born lady and her knight. and by the time the seventh year rolls around, they are already familiar with the movements enough that it’s obvious to everyone around them. it would be mutual pining and out of the charts yearning but it’s the fact that they both unsuited for those idealized and romanticized roles that scratches the mentally ill part of my brain. this is why i write them. the whole two people who have committed horrors being belief engaging in a form of loving they are intently unfit for because the foundation of it are a sense innocence and honor, and doing it anyway.